The ticket to my thoughts, the outlet of my feelings.
Not really much to my surprise, you died. Sounds rude as it may seem but i don’t feel anything at all…not even a single sympathy. I don’t have any nice memories about you. Anger and hatred took over when my grandpa took away his life for reasons that our family only knew. My cousins and I loved our Grandpa so much; losing him was really painful for us. :( I missed him so bad especially now, especially as of this moment that i am writing this.
I know i should not be mad at you now that you’re gone. I know you’ve been dealing with guilt and misery for the past 8 years. I saw it in your eyes; i saw it in your face. Yes, i hated you and i know that you knew. After my lolo’s death, at the back of my mind i secretly erased you in our family tree.
I wanna make amends on everything. I was just too affected and too wounded to let go of the anger but now, I AM SORRY. It might be too late but still i am extending my sincere apology. Sorry if I never gave you the chance for me to know you better. Sorry if i closed my heart in welcoming you as part of our family. Sorry if i hold grudges on you for too long and sorry if i was disrespectful.
They say we attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it stab us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hang around with us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die—for it is a parasite sucking our blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it… FORGIVENESS.
I am sorry for hating you and for blaming you with my Lolo’s death. I forgive you for the pain you brought to me and for the rest of my cousins. I know we’re not being nice to you…we’re deeply sorry. I don’t wanna bind myself with anger for the rest of my life nor let myself get trapped with painful moments and old feelings. I am letting go now…letting go of all the old grievances that I’ve been hiding inside me for quite a while.
Sorry and goodbye Nanay Lily…may your soul rest in peace!
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